Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
