Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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