So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
