Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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