Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize