dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
