so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
