He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
