And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize