for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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