My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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