so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
