Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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