Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
