Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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