I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
there is glitter all over my balls
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
