i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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