This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
