Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
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