I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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