my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
