Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
