I'm drive I can fine osifer
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
