I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
