the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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