he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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