going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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