I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize