i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
