The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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