i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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