my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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