I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
