the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize