Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
