I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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