I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
