I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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