After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the day after is always just damage control
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
