here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
