woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Randomize
