I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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