made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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