i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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