i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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