i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
