I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
