My room smells like vodka and shame
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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