i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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