very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
