genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
