I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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