saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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