I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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