he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize