Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
