i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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