I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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