Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
