i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
