I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
this boner is exhausting
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
