One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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