The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
