oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
